Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.
You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
If you're a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list, to hear "Freebird" live.
In real life I'm very low-key. A wallflower. One of the reasons I went into comedy and acting was that I was sick of being shy.
The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.
Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
I interviewed Ann Coulter when I was sitting in for Larry King a couple of times, and we have a rapport. I like to talk to her.
Stand-up comedy is not a man's job. It's an alpha job: To be the only person in a room with a microphone who's allowed to talk.
There's nothing more damning in life than a child calmly and coldly saying, 'Are you aware that you're teaching me bad habits?'
I like Cornwall and particularly the Isle of Mull on the west coast of Scotland where I got married. It's absolutely beautiful.
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves, we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach.
I think white people like to tell Asian people how they should feel about race because they're too scared to tell black people.
Most true believers, when faced with evidence that contradicts their beliefs, will hold on to those beliefs even more strongly.
When I go see a performer, I don't go to criticize. I just go to be entertained. I don't go to give advice; I just go to enjoy.
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
When I go to bed at night, I wear a sleeping bag. And for a long time, I wore mittens so that I couldn't open the sleeping bag.
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
I was on stage last night, and I gave a medical report about Donald Trump. I said he was hospitalized for an attack of modesty.
All my friends got dogs and cats for Christmas, and I got a starfish called Roy. I used to take him down to the park on a lead.
I quite like bacon sandwiches because they're colourful. Mashed potato on toast is fine. But colourful and easy to eat is best.
Gene Autry, Roy Rogers, Dale Evans - these people are giants, legends; their names are household words. Of course, so's Jell-O.
Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.
Ultimately, the core premise of 'American Gods' is, 'What do you believe?' And how your beliefs can be manifested into reality.
You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.
Starting the podcast was an experiment. I wouldn't say I was very private, but I was probably as private as the average person.
Good comedy can be liberating, and if I'm doing my job as a comedian, part of the joy for the audience is getting that release.
So many Christmas films either are twee, or try and go super edgy, then stick on something Christmassy at the end of the movie.
Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
Not necessarily in the beginning, thinking I would have a career in comedy, but I was always interested in making people laugh.
I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.
I died. Which is fantastic, because I have died already; I have been there and come back. I am completely recovered, thank you.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
I struggle in these situations not to let my madness govern me, and to let the positive aspects of my character define my life.
I'm a very early riser on holiday. I am invariably down at the pool on a sun lounger even before anyone can put a towel on one.
My mom was always someone who if, even now, I say I met a certain famous person, she always says, "She's married to so and so!"
Steve Wozniak admittedly would never like say the things he said to Steve Jobs [in the movie] in the context that he said them.
I do a lot of stairs, a lot of planks, a lot of squats, a lot of treadmill, a lot of screaming - and I do it four times a week.
When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.
Homosexuals are not interested in making other people homosexuals. Homophobes are interested in making other people homophobes.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
That heightened dynamic can produce interesting, funny ideas that are phrased in ways that surprise even you, as the performer.