Funny Quotes - Page 116

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Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.

Hands up if you’re ready to do something you’ll regret this weekend. Go forth! You have my blessing.

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.

If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.

I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley.

Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I hit Ali with everything and he said 'is that all you got' and I said 'yeah, that's pretty much it.'

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Of course I can do this. I'm pregnant, not brain-damaged. My condition doesn't change my personality.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

Magellan went around the world in 1521, which is not too many strokes when you consider the distance.

Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Father told me that if I ever met a lady in a dress like yours, I must look her straight in the eyes.

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they already have done a good pruning job.

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.

The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

Remember that true beauty comes from within - from within bottles, jars, compacts, and lipstick tubes

I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I feel like any time John Oliver is added to something, the comedy is instantly there. He's so funny.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

Some old women and men grow bitter with age; the more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get.

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