Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so.
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.
My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'.
When I was a graduate student, the leading spirits at Harvard were interested in the history of ideas.
Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward, in the work that precedes what the world calls success.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny.
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.
That is the thankless position of the father in the family-the provider for all, and the enemy of all.
Don't be concerned about others not appreciating you. Be concerned about your not appreciating others.
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.
I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
Being seventy has its advantages. I was outspoken before, but now what have I got to keep quiet about?
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.
I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.
The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
The funny thing is I'm not bothered or sad about being on my own - after all I've never had a husband.
Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds.