True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.
In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.
When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism!
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.
There are many things worth living for, a few things worth dying for, and nothing worth killing for.
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.
How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged.
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
We take greater pains to persuade others that we are happy than in endeavoring to think so ourselves
Sometimes you don't want to be a slapstick clown in order to convey a funny perception of the world.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
I think egg boiling is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can make a tiramisu anytime you want.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.
Deliberate with caution, but act with decision and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness.
I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.
Memory is funny. Once you hit a vein the problem is not how to remember but how to control the flow.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.
Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Music and silence combine strongly because music is done with silence, and silence is full of music.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I had to get back to work... NBC has me under contract; the baby and I only have a verbal agreement.
The virtuous will be sure to speak uprightly; but those whose speech is upright may not be virtuous.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'
Each year India and China produce four million graduates compared with just over 250,000 in Britain.
A brand not responding on Twitter is like hanging up the phone on customers. With millions watching.
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
I see no women out here, and you're chanting about a male organ, now tell me who's the fruit bootie?
Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore.