Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Growing and decaying vegetation in this land are responsible for 93 percent of the oxides of nitrogen.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Alcohol, firearms and a 4 wheel drive can go a long ways towards making a rain day into a fun rest day.
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
The effect of sailing is produced by a judicious arrangement of the sails to the direction of the wind.
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
I have no interest in sailing around the world. Not that there is any lack of requests for me to do so.
In the main, there are two sorts of books: those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read.
Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.
There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them.
The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that, at heart, I'm really a jock.
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
The English country-gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.
I may not be able to pull on the smallest of holds, but those I can pull on I can pull on all day long.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands.
Haters never win. I just think that's true about life, because negative energy always costs in the end.
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.
LSD is a psychedelic drug which occasionally causes psychotic behavior in people who have NOT taken it.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.
I don't care if it doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.
Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.
Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste.
I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Always walk towards open doors. And if they slam shut in your face, kick that sucker in and keep going.
Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Boxing's all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds.
I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.
Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games.
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.