Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell.
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music.
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
They are lying every day. They are lying always, and mainly they are lying to their public opinion
Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.
There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.
I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.
...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.
It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even I don't know how it works!
One day I may be meeting you and hearing how you've changed your life by saying, "Farewell to Fat".
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
I think the pattern of my essays is, A funny thing happened to me on my way through Finnegans Wake.
A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder.
Just a reminder - a guidebook is no substitute for skill, experience, judgment and lots of tension.
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
Modern houses are so small we've had to train our dog to wag its tail up and down and not sideways.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.
I don't sit down to write a funny story. Every single thing I sit down to write is meant to be sad.
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
You use your money to buy privacy because during most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he's great, such a great dude, and really funny.
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
When life gets you down, just remember these three words of wisdom. "Bonk!", "Zap!", and "Yowsers!"
So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69.
Congratulstions on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.