Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!
There is no great invention, from fire to flying, which has not been hailed as an insult to some god.
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
I went to military college in Canada and graduated as an officer in the Navy but also as an engineer.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.
I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!
I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air.
If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they would never have found time to conquer the world.
You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.
Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.
Journalists belong in the gutter because that is where the ruling classes throw their guilty secrets.
Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.
Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, 'You are wrong.' This method works every time.
If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the wide receiver catches it, it's a touchdown.
Well, there's a remedy for all things but death, which will be sure to lay us flat one time or other.
Chumps always make the best husbands. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.
In my second year in graduate school, I took a computer course and that was like lightening striking.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy the Church. America Hollywood.
Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.
She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
Renko has just about had it. Pretty soon somebody will come out of the dugout with a fork and get him.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
It's funny, sometimes life just comes down to bringing a little bit of light to somebody when you can.
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did