Funny Quotes - Page 114

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Happiness is like coke — something you get as a by-product in the process of making something else.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A poor creature who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering.

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.

Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was made from his funny bone.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.

Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never learn anything from history.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.

I'd love to be able to fit in a box. Like one of those people who fit into small boxes. I'd love it.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

The farewell between Hitler and Mussolini at the station was very affectionate. Both men were moved.

As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.

Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don't have a sense of humor it just isn't funny anymore.

To govern is to correct. If you set an example by being correct, who would dare to remain incorrect?

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

Who thinks the law has anything to do with justice? It's what we have because we can't have justice.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation.

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