Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.
And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
DeShaies is like a clock out there. Every other pitch goes one way or the other.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people.
Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy
I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
I used to work with autistic children, and they said a lot of funny things to me.
My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way.
The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he's not very bright.
For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Being born with a pair of beady eyes was the best thing that ever happened to me.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
They say that if the Swiss had designed these mountains they'd be rather flatter.
Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.
Adversity, if you allow it to, will fortify you and make you the best you can be.
On his telepathic understanding with James Worthy- It's almost like we have ESPN.
An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
It isn't that they can't see the solution. It is that they can't see the problem.
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
When I got up I stuck to my plan - stumbling forward and getting hit in the face.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
A man who does not think and plan long ahead will find trouble right at his door.
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
The U.S. victory in Gulf War was a stirring victory for the forces of aggression.
The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?