Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.
There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.
If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
When you lose a couple of times, it makes you realize how difficult it is to win.
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?
A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.
I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
A burglar who respects his art always takes his time before taking anything else.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.
My knees on the ground, dear father, don't let me break, please make me stronger.
Broke people giving financial advice is like a shop teacher with missing fingers.
A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking about real money.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
Excusing bad programming is a shooting offence, no matter what the circumstances.
A true heiress is never mean to anyone - except a girl who steals your boyfriend.
Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.
I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.
Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.
I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
It's funny that until I actually met my husband, I never thought I'd get married.
Amy Winehouse - her surname's beginning to sound like a description of her liver.
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're gonna meet them all coming down.
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
Life is painful, nasty and short.. in my case it has only been painful and nasty.
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.