Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I've always had a sense of humour.
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
Even though I didn't get a business degree, I enjoyed learning about economics.
If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train.
Sometimes the person who is the most logical is the person whom we call insane.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
Motherhood is the strangest thing, it can be like being one's own Trojan horse.
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
It would be pretty funny to see a Beverly Hills white girl with mad rap skills.
On life's vast ocean diversely we sail. Reasons the card, but passion the gale.
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
Although always prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it should be postponed.
On this special Fathers Day, we'd like to wish all of you a very Happy Birthday.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
I don't weigh a pound over one hundred and eighty and, what's more, I never did.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.
You don't lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.
We only have babies when we're young enough not to know how grim life turns out.
Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.
I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.
We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds behind
Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with a strong radical bias.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as audible laughter.
Sometimes in the most tragic situation, something just profoundly funny happens.
Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
The grinding of the intellect is for most people as painful as a dentists drill.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.
Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.
We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour.
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of him