Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I identify more with women than with men. I guess I have a strong feminine side.
Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I don't mind your thinking slowly; I mind your publishing faster than you think.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Life has a funny way of letting things fall into place when you least expect it.
You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.
But I also happen to be someone who believes in tithing--the giving of a tenth .
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
I don't mess with that cat. I'm pretty sure he carries a blade under his jersey.
The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.
Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen.
To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
Our memories, they can be inviting. But some are altogether, mighty frightening.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it's natural.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.
Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.
I always had funny stories to tell, but my family members never laughed at them.
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!