Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
True, a little learning is a dangerous thing, but it still beats total ignorance.
Hardly any animal can look as deeply disappointed as a dog to whom one says "no."
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
The Cards lead the Dodgers 4-2 after one inning and that one hasn't even started.
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.
A friendship counting nearly forty years is the finest kind of shade-tree I know.
If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial.
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.
Yes, we rather condemn people for eternity without the courtesy of informing them.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I have started smiling! I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile.
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen
Speaking as a black person, welfare is the worst thing that's ever happened to us.
A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
People have been asking me if I was going to have kids, and I had puppies instead.
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and you are looking wonderful.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.