Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster.
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
I'm bi-lots of things but lingual isn't one of them. Wait, did I mean to say that?
One evening I sat Beauty on my knees – And I found her bitter – And I reviled her.
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.
No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
Boxing is a great exercise ... as long as you can yell "cut" whenever you want to.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.
American and French culture are really, really different, but in a way it's funny.
They will try to enter Baghdad, and I think this is where their graveyard will be.
In person, RuPaul is warm, funny, personable - someone who thoroughly enjoys life.
A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts
Pray steal me not, I'm Mrs. Dingley's, Whose heart in this four-footed thing lies.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
It's looks like someone slapped you in the face with a fruit roll-up or something!
Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.
Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score: Then to that twenty, add a hundred more.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.
I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
Success is like Halley's comet, you know. Every now and then it just comes around.
What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
I don't mean he missed him, but he just didn't get him when he put the tag on him.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
On his teenage son: To be honest, I'm not sure the same kid comes home each night.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
The two women exchanged the type of glance women use when there is no knife handy.
Remember that a very good sardine is always preferable to a not that good lobster.