Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
Stand-up comics reflect less of a visual humor and more of a commentary.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
Comedy holds the greatest risk for an actor, and laughter is the reward.
A lot of people into Tool, for some reason, are not interested in humor.
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
Humor's an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Funny is a good foil. Humor is illuminating, and it also gives you power.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Viagra is a drug, just like cocaine. It can cause you to become addicted.
Well, darkness with humor... I'm not an extremely suicidal or sad person.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
Grubb goes back, back... He's under the warning track and makes the play.
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor.
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
One does not laugh because one is happy; one is happy because one laughs.
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.