Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'
The Devil fears the word of God, He can't bite it; it breaks his teeth.
Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.
Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.
Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.
That's the nature of research you don't know what in hell you're doing.
What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.
On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
Humor, however broad and genial, takes a narrower view than enthusiasm.
Hateful words stand no chance against self-worth and a little of humor.
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
The best way to make your audience laugh is to start laughing yourself.
I like dark humor. My favorite movie of all time is 'Harold and Maude.'
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky.
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
It's not so hard to get rich as it is to know when you have gotten rich.
The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.
Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.
When you lose the power to laugh, you lose your power to think straight.
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!
There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.
The tragedy of growing old is not that one is old but that one is young.
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.
The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it.
A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
Men are happy to be laughed at for their humor, but not for their folly.
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
The darker the film, the more vital everyone's sense of humor is on set.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.