Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.
Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple.
Men live by intervals of reason under the sovereignty of humor and passion.
I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Good humor isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice.
My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Ron Guidry is not very big, maybe 140 pounds, but he has an arm like a lion.
I have always found humor in places where humor wasn't necessarily intended.
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
I'm not for gratuitous nudity, but if there's humor, I don't have a problem.
We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House, make no mistake about it.
The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own
If I ever have sex with someone I might be able to develop a sense of humor.
Anyone who knows me, and most of my fans, know that I have a sense of humor.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
Are the gods not just?' 'Oh no, child. What would become us us if they were?
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know.
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.
Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.