Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
What you see on stage is pretty much the way I am... a dry sense of humor.
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
I'm not a very good impersonator, my friends maybe, but not famous people.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Life is short. Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.
I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.
Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.
White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger.
No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.
Brits have a better sense of humor in most ways. It's darker, more cutting.
The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.
If some beggar steals a bridle he'll be hung by a man who's stolen a horse.
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue.