Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Rock Hudson wasn't my type. He's a great guy and had a great sense of humor.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.
My view of life is colored by humor and looking at the best in any situation.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.
Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
Presidents, whether things are good or bad, get the blame. I understand that.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
Great men are rarely isolated mountain-peaks; they are the summits of ranges.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.
Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
Any attempts at humor immediately after September 11th were deemed tasteless.
When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.
If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
You may not like the humor, but that is why every radio has an on-off button.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.