Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's good to be alive.
Whiskey will always be a part of my life.
I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.
I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.
I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.
Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.
I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking
Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.
Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.
If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.
I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.
I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.
Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust
It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.
Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.
When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?
A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.
'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.
Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.
To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!
Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.
It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.