Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sometimes I'm really funny, sometimes I'm quiet, sometimes I'm shy, but I'm constantly changing.
We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well.
You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired.
Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
In my youth I hoped to do great things; now I shall be satisfied to get through without scandal.
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
Economy is a subject which admits of being treated with levity, but it cannot so be disposed of.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
Sometimes Harvey Weinstein will let me use the Miramax jet if I'm opening a supermarket for him.
Shall I not have intelligence with the earth? Am I not partly leaves and vegetable mould myself.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead.
From the way Denny's shaking his head, he's either got an injured shoulder or a gnat in his eye.
'Don't think of it as dying,' said Death. 'Just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.'
I fell in love with theater there, and after graduation I moved to Los Angeles to pursue acting.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
"In France," Marcel said with wintry dignity, "accidents occur in the bedroom, not the kitchen."
Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.
They try to engage the world as much as they can and we will continue until they leave our land.
They call Ray Robinson the best fighter, pound for pound. I'm the best fighter, ounce for ounce.
Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life's absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.
It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.
It might be said now that I have the best of both worlds. A Harvard education and a Yale degree.
Steve Kerr, now coaching Golden State after eight tumultuous and very inconsistent years at TNT.
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
When I go abroad I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from.
This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.
'Tis a superstition to insist on a special diet. All is made at last of the same chemical atoms.
Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.
Every man plays the fool once in his live, but to marry is playing the fool all one's life long.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
"Married with Children" was racy, it was sexist, it was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.
People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home.