Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.
The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I never practice my guitar. From time to time I just open the case & throw in a piece of raw meat.
There's no such thing as 'hard sell' and 'soft sell.' There's only 'smart sell' and 'stupid sell.'
The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.
On hitting a shaken opponent - His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
The Japanese are human beings like the rest of us, but they will strongly resent this insinuation.
There's a battle between what the cook thinks is high art and what the customer just wants to eat.
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.
Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I'm not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it.
If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child
The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means.
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.
There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.
The superior man makes the difficulty to be overcome his first interest; success only comes later.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.
Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!
Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.
I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.
If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
When you are down and out something always turns up - and it is usually the noses of your friends.