Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Peter also uses his wig as a cereal bowl... He'll some times have some, like, Top Ramen in it.
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.
There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.
Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
There's a funny line between feeling objectified and feeling supported and it's a very odd one.
One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget - a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.
The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.
I decided I would rather have a day job and love music than to play music that made me hate it.
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
I was showing early symptoms of becoming a professional baseball man. I was lying to the press.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
May this continent, the last explored by humankind, be the first one to be spared by humankind.
I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
The perfecting of one's self is the fundamental base of all progress and all moral development.
My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers.
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.