Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing.
Human beings are like tea-bags. You don't know your own strength until you get into hot water.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.
If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
I'm never afraid to try something if I think it's funny. And I know I'll regret it if I don't.
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby".
...over the past two days, we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
The time is not yet ripe to say what happened. When history's ready, then we can talk about it
The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
When a woman gives birth her waters break and she pours out the child and the child runs free.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.
There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
I buy so much fake jewelry, it's funny. It's not real. I don't wear real diamonds or anything.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
I look at old performance videos now, and it's really funny - I thought I was such a gangster!
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
We have a problem. 'Congratulations.' But it's a tough problem. 'Then double congratulations.'
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'