Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
Most men make little use of their speech than to give evidence against their own understanding.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.
I do not think that obsession is funny or that not being able to stop one's intensity is funny.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!
I never leave my house. Then I don't have to put a bra on, and I don't have to change my pants.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it.
A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.
Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Your wrinkles either show that you're nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you're always smiling.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem.
It's more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera
I was told I had a two per cent chance of getting pregnant, so I say she's a two per cent baby.
When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
I have tried lately to read Shakespeare, and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.
It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.
Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.
What a father says to his children is not heard by the world, but it will be heard by posterity.
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
People who cannot find time for recreation are obliged sooner or later to find time for illness.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.