Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.
Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
The scholar does not consider gold and jade to be precious treasures, but loyalty and good faith.
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.
When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best - that is inspiration.
Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel.
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I wouldn't be the best offensive player if I didn't have a great setter. She serves me up nectar.
The Games have been decimated. If you take away the Eastern Bloc, you take away 50% of the medals
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
I can't forgive my friends for dying; I don't find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing.
Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it for himself.
Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Long conversations with pals when neither you nor they have had a drink can be a test of palship.
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
The guitar is your first wings. It's assigned and designed to unfold your vision and imagination.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast.
God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.
Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.
The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.
If dogs could talk, perhaps we would find it as hard to get along with them as we do with people.