Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
No man's credit is ever as good as his money.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
Can I come in? No! I'm in a towel! I'm blind!
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult.
This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
I liked Lady Gaga's meat dress. It was funny.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
I'm one of the most decorated tag teams ever!
No man is greater than his respect for sleep.
All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.
Wind is to us what money is to life on shore.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
if you make waffles, throw out the first one.
God willing, we will throw them into the sea.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
My girlfriend doesn't think I'm funny at all.
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
That's the way it was every time I studied it.
If at first you don't succeed, lie, lie again.
The internet is a great way to get on the net.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The next evolutionary step is into the screen.
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
Mothers are the most instinctive philosophers.
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
I don't know all the certain words to word it.
I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.