Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.
Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.
A difficult situation, not for one individual, but for everybody
That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge.
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
I have the street smarts and survival skills of, like, a poodle.
When the silent majority opens its mouth, it is usually to yawn.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.
When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.
It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
If you have a good idea, open your mouth and say something else.
I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time.
Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity.
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Xavier would be such a great burger. He's all covered in spread.
Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows.
Love is something sent from Heaven to worry the Hell out of you.
Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?
I just write what I think is funny. I don't care who watches it.
Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.
August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f**king in a sock.