Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.
A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
People like you are the reason People like me need medication.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.
Tombay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now
The decathlon is nine Mickey Mouse events and the 1500 metres.
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?
The sky is so clear today you can see all the way to Missouri.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.
What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?
We counted 19 missiles that landed in a small area of Baghdad.
Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of the door.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work.
Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders.
You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!
Think of your girlfriend or boyfriend or whomever you want to.