Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.
Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here.
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.
Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.
The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Lord, protect me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies.
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Don't write about what you don't know even if you don't know it.
I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.
I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.
It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.
The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.
We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
The Apple store is not a store. It is an exercise in evangelism.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop
If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made.
They are becoming hysterical. This is the result of frustration.
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve.
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Their objective is to get to the outskirts of Baghdad. So be it.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.