Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.
Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.
Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?
I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.
I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.