Quotes by Tommy Cooper - Page 2

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Driving
Driving Fast
Fine
Humorous
Left
Motivation
Parking
Said
Today
Actually
Today Me Know
Somebody
Note
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A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Blow
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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Home
Humor
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So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Kings
Men
Light
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He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Book
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So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Bottom
Legs
Library
Said
Books
Chop
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Acid
Arrested
Drinking
Eating
Fireworks
Police
Two
Yesterday
Battery
Charged
Off
Other
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Car
Give Me
Said
Great World Your
Sure
Bloke
Getting
Look
Give
Lift
Oyster
Says
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Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Two
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I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Cheese
Cheese Sandwiches
Legs
Said
Waiter
Asked
He
French
Got
Hop
Well
Sandwich
Yes
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
People
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Eye
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Age
Crazy
Okay
Old Age
Opinion
Silly
Ugly
Bad Back
Doctor
Woman
Her
Says
Second
Tells
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Couple
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
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I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Violin
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I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Sorry
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humorous
Library
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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Doors
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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Assistants
Blind
Dog
Helping
Picks
Thanks
Walks
Assistant
Bloke
Calls
Guide
Just Looking
Shop
Sir
Swinging
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I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Night
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Party
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So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper / Comedian
Funny
Girl
Beautiful
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Tommy Cooper Quotes - Page 2

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