Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.
I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant.'
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.
Hurried and worried until we're buried, and there's no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
Those who love not their fellow-beings live unfruitful lives, and prepare for their old age a miserable grave.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home.
Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!
Big institutions in this imperial state, in this evil US empire, prepare their politicians to become criminals.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
It's a bit embarrassing watching myself, but I couldn't get someone else to play me, that would've been stupid.
My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.
We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys
Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these.
Where is Hollywood located? Chiefly between the ears. In that part of the American brain lately vacated by God.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
Live honestly to a higher note. Life is too short. So, do the best you can and live your life to a higher note.
Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.
Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
When I was a kid I had this funny blonde hair and everyone called me 'Chick' because I looked like Tweety Bird.
These mercenaries, I swear by God, those who are still in Washington, they have sent their troops to be burned.
One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.
But there's a bigger trend I'm seeing: people who used to enjoy blogging their lives are now moving to Twitter.
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.
The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.
Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me... that's black.
I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!
The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.
Life is too short to spend in negativity. So I have made a conscious effort to not be where I don't want to be.
When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.