Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
Federal and state laws (should) be changed to no longer make it a crime to possess marijuana for private use.
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
It's funny: I did 'Step Brothers' the same summer I did 'Revolutionary Road,' which are completely different.
My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.
Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now.
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.
The midget, Bush, and that Rumsfeld deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere.
I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.
I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me off.
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
The man who would be fully employed should procure a ship or a woman, for no two things produce more trouble.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about...That always worries me!
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife.
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
The only thing that lasts longer than a friend's love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
It's funny, but we were living on this small island off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina when I was 9.
The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part.
Everyone thinks softball is a girl's game. But you only think that until you get hit with it on a line drive.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
The hardest exercise for most of us fat people is that one where we push our chairback from the dinner table.
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.
Come around, feel the sound. Know you make my heart pound. Fill me up, bring me down; when I hear your sound.
Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.
Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.
The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.
When somebody says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," it means they've got other things to do first.
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.
Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.