Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I thought she was the funniest woman, and I believed being a comedian was the most exciting thing you could be.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.
I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that.
In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.
Well, the clothes are really cool that we wear. The sets are so funny, because it's like everything is so real.
If I talk to a girl, it's assumed that I'm having a scene with her. If I don't, then it's assumed that I'm gay.
The reason so few people are successful is no one has yet found a way for someone to sit down and slide uphill.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
They are achieving nothing, they are suffering from casualties. Those casualties are increasing, not decreasing
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.
The funny response to 'One Mississippi' continues to be that people don't know what is true and what's fiction.
I was asked about doing a nude shoot for men's magazine GQ. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard.
I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
Volleyball anchored me at a time in my life when I needed it. It gave me a reason for being this big, big girl.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.
Has anybody ever seen a dramatic critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good.
They've not been able to control any Iraqi city. We're waging war against this snake and we will be victorious.
This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.
Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.
I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.
If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
There are two things that won't last long in this world, and that's dogs chasing cars and pros putting for pars.
My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.
My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.
I have always been of the opinion that hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
You always say 'I'll quit when I start to slide', and then one morning you wake up and realize you've done slid.
Humanism was not invented by man, but by a snake who suggested that the quest for autonomy might be a good idea.
I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog's nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months.
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
[On what bugged him] A fine city with too many socialists and mosquitoes. At least you can spray the mosquitoes.
If you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe for the lowest common denominator of human achievement.
When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.
I'm sure every pattern has been covered, but it's nice to think you might dwell on some that other people don't.
I'm old enough and cranky enough now that if someone tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them where to put it.