Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
I think that the anti-Microsoft sentiment is simply due to their having been so successful selling a lot of crap.
A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There are a tremendous number of idiots who look so good. It's frightening.
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick.
I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.
But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.
Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
My advice to the unborn is, don't be born with a gambling instinct unless you have a good sense of probabilities.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.This was said by gene wilder ... what does it mean ?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Convey your passion and link your strengths to measurable results. Employers and interviewers love concrete data.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option.
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.
The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.
A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.
Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money.
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
When superiors are fond of showing their humanity, inferiors try to outstrip one another in their practice of it.
Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology.