Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Haters...are all failures. It's 100% across the board. No one who is truly brilliant at anything is a hater.
Truth gets well if she is run over by a locomotive, while error dies of lockjaw if she scratches her finger.
My father must have had some elementary education for he could read and write and keep accounts inaccurately
She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.
What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.
It's funny because I've made a living off of words, but words get in the way of what you really want to say.
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
Boxing is the only sport you can get your brain shook, your money took and your name in the undertaker book.
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
There is the love of knowing without the love of learning; the beclouding here leads to dissipation of mind.
Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything.
There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.
Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- They don't blame you--as long as you're funny!
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Many of us spend half of our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.
What is wrong with the prosaic Englishman is what is wrong with the prosaic men of all countries: stupidity.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Dear dad, you always told me that an honest man has nothing to fear, so I'm trying my best not to be afraid.
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.
I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
They are going to surrender or be burned in their tanks. They will surrender, it is they who will surrender.
A cynic is just a man who found out when he was ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.
They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.
Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.
With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres!
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.
You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.
He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.
I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at one another.
I was feeling very irritable. It was that difficult time of the month when the credit card statement arrives.