Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
After I saw Jimmy [Hendrix] play, I just went home and wondered what the f*** I was going to do with my life.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day.
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
The first step is always to succeed in becoming surprised - to notice that there is something funny going on.
It is fatal to let any dog know that he is funny, for he immediately loses his head and starts hamming it up.
I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.
Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Being a decathlete is like having ten girlfriends. You have to love them all, and you can't afford losing one.
Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.
Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
If you are going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."
Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."
There is a 'sanctity' involved with bringing a child into this world: it is better than bombing one out of it.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
He's the funniest, smartest person I know. It doesn't mean he doesn't bug me and I'm sure I bug him sometimes.
Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.
Turns out you have a really fun time if you go to work every day and focus on being silly and funny and happy!
The Stately Homes of England, How beautiful they stand, To prove the Upper Classes, Have still the Upper Hand.
The chief knowledge that's man on from reading books is the knowledge that very few of them are worth reading.
There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done. School and prison.
Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Sunday is Senior Citizens' Day. And if you want to become a senior citizen, just call the Padre ticket office.
Dogs who chase cars evidently see them as large, unruly ungulates badly in need of discipline and shepherding.
It's obviously funny to be a meme, so I could be down with it in that regard, but it also belittles one's art.
Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.
Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.