Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.
In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
Truth, after all, wears a different face to everybody, and it would be too tedious to wait till all were agreed.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, they raised the average intelligence level in both states.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
One takes what the river offers, both good and bad. The joy of living by running water far outweighs the sorrow.
Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be perfectly deaf.
The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.
[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
If you assume you haven't learned anything yet, there's no reason your playing can't stay dynamic all your life.
Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.
Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song, and I peed myself!
The distinguishing mark of true adventures, is that it is often no fun at all while they are actually happening.
I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.
The Americans are extremely gadget minded people and American gadgets have a peculiar characteristic: they work.
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.
He who requires much from himself and little from others, will keep himself from being the object of resentment.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
My goal in sailing isn't to be brilliant or flashy in individual races, just to be consistent over the long run.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'