Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
These young guys are playing checkers. I'm out there playing chess.
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Japan is, you often feel, an improved version of the United States.
I was the first boy in the Kennedy family to graduate from college.
To be creative and spontaneous, you have to live with imperfection.
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
All imperfection is easier to tolerate if served up in small doses.
Pessimist: One who has been intimately acquainted with an Optimist.
The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.
That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.
Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
What's twelve inches long and hangs in front on ass, Mankind's tie.
Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.
The only thing that can console one for being poor is extravagance.
Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.
The truth is that I am not a frump... I just enjoy being laid back.
It takes two to speak the truth: one to speak, and another to hear.
I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police - the GOP.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
If in the after life there is not music, we will have to import it.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Self awareness is NOT just a bunch of amino acids bumping together.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
There's a hard shot to LeMaster, he throws Madlock into the dugout.
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.