Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
From the earliest memories I have, I liked physical, funny things.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
We have to play it longer because there are no numbers or letters.
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
We will see how the issue will turn out when they come to Baghdad.
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Now I got my foot - through the door - and I ain't goin' no where.
I was the troublemaker, always being funny - that's just who I am.
As a general comment on baseball:"90% of the game is half mental."
About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God??
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.
And this is the third place car about to lap the second place car.
You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.
Well, there's one thing to be said for money. It can make you rich.
It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way.
You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Billy Almon has all of his in-laws and outlaws here this afternoon.