Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.
I don't want problems solved for me. I want the fishing rod, not the fish.
A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.
It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.
Patrick actually used to be popular before Sam bought him some good music.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.
Advice is like castor oil — easy enough to give but dreadful hard to take.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"
Morality consists of suspecting other people of not being legally married.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
An aching tooth is better out than in. To lose a rotting member is a gain.
Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.
I've never seen a game like this. Every game this year has been like this.
Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.
A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.
White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
The field of consciousness is tiny. It accepts only one problem at a time.