Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.
If you don't follow the stock market, you are missing some amazing drama.
Do you think to yourself, 'Wow, I saw this chicken and she was gorgeous?'
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.
That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one.
By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
I'm no expert, Rock, but I don't think I have any poontang...to give you.
The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
We were very aggressive, and when we're aggressive, it's hard to stop us.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine.
My one light American Spirit that I smoke once a week, on Saturday night.
Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it.
A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Of all that Heaven produces and nourishes, there is none so great as man.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
Grubb goes back, back... He's under the warning track and makes the play.
I love Jared Hess' movies. He's such a weirdo and such a nice, funny guy.
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
If I don't have anything to do all day, I might not even put my pants on.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
People do not deserve to have good writing, they are so pleased with bad.
There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher has not already said it.
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.