Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Young people are the same as they always were. They are just as ignorant.
Hoist up sail while gale doth last, Tide and wind stay no man's pleasure.
When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised.
It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
When you're out of will power you call on stubbornness, that's the trick.
Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue.
The way he's swinging the bat, he won't get a hit until the 20th century.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass?
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."
....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day.
A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.
If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.
Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.
People with virtue must speak out; People who speak are not all virtuous.
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
I can play in the center, on the right and occasionally on the left side.
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.
So in my uncertainty, I went to graduate school and there it all happened.
Rick Miller hit only one home run last year, and that's like hitting none.
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.