Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.
We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.
I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
Every prosperous person who does not work has a creative scheme that does.
Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother.
There are two things you never turn down: sex and appearing on television.
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.
It isn't that life ashore is distasteful to me. But life at sea is better.
Men and animals regard each other across a gulf of mutual incomprehension.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
I am a sundial, and I make a botch Of what is done much better by a watch.
I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
in china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
You're only half the man that I am, and I have half the brain that you do.
I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering.
Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I sometimes give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it.
If you lose your best cornerback and punter, I'd say that's a double loss.
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.