Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
No dog is as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
People here are funny. They work so hard at living, they forget how to live.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
Ron Guidry is not very big, maybe 140 pounds, but he has an arm like a lion.
Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.
A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.
In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature the oldest.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I'm 47, my girlfriend's 33; she's 14 years younger than me: Back of the net!
You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about?
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Moral indignation in most cases is, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy.
I write the songs first and in most cases teach myself the technique second.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own
We enjoy sailing small boats, two of which I have designed and built myself.
What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start.
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
The lawyer's truth is not Truth, but consistency or a consistent expediency.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
I never set out to be weird. It was always other people who called me weird.
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Yeah, I spent about 20 years in a dorm room. It took me a while to graduate.