Quotes by Red Buttons - Page 2

Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, Stop needling me. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Honeymoon
Husband
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George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Giving
John Paul Ii
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Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, Stop shaking! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Salt
Wife
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Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs - you got more broads? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Eden
Garden
Ribs
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Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, I owe it all to one great part. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Said
Sex
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Dean Martin's pancreas, who overheard his liver singing I got a right to sing the blues. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Pancreas
Singing
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Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Doctors
Light
Rays
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Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Half
Looks
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Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Asking
Dinner
Lasts
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Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Brother
Dinner
Thinking
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Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.
Red Buttons / Comedian
Hospitals
Nervous
Grant
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Dr. Spock, who said, Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Kids
Drs
Hands
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Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Ears
Hats
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Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.
Red Buttons / Comedian
Girl
Heart
House
Want
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Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Said
Thespians
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Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Children
Dinner
Israel
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Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Mother
Phones
Venus De Milo
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Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Girl
Dinner
Mother
Said
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Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Chairs
Dinner
Mother
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Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Red
Sea
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John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Morning
Night
Sunday
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Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Night
Three
Wife
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Stan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Firsts
Pope
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Michelangelo's girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint - let's put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Ceilings
Girlfriend
Mirrors
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Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Cups
Dinner
Paper
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When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
Red Buttons / Comedian
Bloody
Dean
Drank
Mary
Necks
People
Way
Ask
Me People Way
Bit
Neck
Dracula
Martin
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Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Calling
Gay
Names
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Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Boys
Dinner
Heart
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Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Impact
Sex
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Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Wife
Yards
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Pope John Paul II's press secretary, who said, See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Italian
John Paul Ii
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Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
Red Buttons / Comedian
Funny
Travel
Brother
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Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Running
Home
Mother
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Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Queens
Dinner
World
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Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Firsts
Want
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The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dames
Dinner
Tailors
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Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Night
Paper
Wife
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George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dad
Father
Lying
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Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Burning
Play
Rome
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Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Dinner
Manhattan
Modern
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Dean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Uncles
Cotton
Dean
Dinner
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George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.
Red Buttons / Comedian
Kids
Men
Years
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Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.
Red Buttons / Comedian
Foundation
Missing
Senior
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Steven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Bars
Care
Mother
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William Tell's son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There's gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Apples
Father
Son
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Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
Red Buttons / Comedian
Cancer
Feet
Florida
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Red Buttons Quotes - Page 2

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