Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The Great Arizona Desert is full of the bleaching bones of people who waited for me to start something.
There is probably no more obnoxious class of citizen, taken end for end, than the returning vacationist.
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop.
Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper.
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios.
There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn't make any sense if quoted as it stands.
One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
A man may take care of a furnace for twenty-five years and still forget to duck his head when he starts going down the cellar stairs.
England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.
The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled.
After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.
It is one of the most discouraging experiences I have ever had, not forgetting the time when I winked at the Queen Mother in London once.
After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get out a new book by him each year.
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.
I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.
I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.
If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls.
My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.
I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists.
There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy...should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty.
Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk.
Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it.
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.
You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.
One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully.
In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.
There seems to be a common strain of miserliness in the American people when it comes to throwing away toothpaste tubes which havea little left in the bottom.
I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and give the rest to the nearest monkey.
Infants need the most sleep, and, what is more, get it. Stunning them with a soft, padded hammer is the best way to insure their getting it at the right times.
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Birds which are the same color as the foliage in which they nest are less likely to be disturbed by other birds who want to drop in and chat, and therefore last longer.
New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.
At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands.
There is probably no moment more appalling than that in which the tongue comes suddenly upon the ragged edge of a space from which the old familiar filling has disappeared.
I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered.
We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.
I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there will be no more of that out of her.
There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that.
But compared with the task of selecting a piece of French pastry held by an impatient waiter a move in chess is like reaching for a salary check in its demand on the contemplative faculties.