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Zach Galifianakis Quotes - Page 1

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My forte is awkwardness.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Awkwardness
Forte
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Hookers don't like to snuggle.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
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I call my balls the bush twins.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Balls
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If you see something, say something.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
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My comfort zone is press conferences.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Comfort
Conferences
Zone
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My real last name is Galifianakisburg.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Lasts
Names
Real
Last
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I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Next
Ryan
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I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Body
Cheese
Feta Cheese
Greek
Produces
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Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Cinnamon
Hangover
Hate
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I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Men
Hangover
Thinking
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I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Havens
Leon
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The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Abbreviations
Long
Mean
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You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Fit
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Have you seen that show on Lifetime about that woman...?
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Lifetime
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I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Hammocks
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Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Hilarious
Rudeness
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The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Tattoo
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I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Marijuana
Smoking
Weed
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That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Amazing
Race
White
Show
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I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Hate
Height
Terrible
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I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Curmudgeon
Guy
Sour
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Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Yesterday
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I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Greek
Olives
Wanted
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I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Brother
Comedy
Dark
Brothers
Comedies
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Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Easier
Lines
Reciting
Stuff
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Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Acne
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I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Being Famous
Goal
Lasts
Names
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American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
American Society
People
Props
Society People American
Loves
Prop
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I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Character
Fragile
Littles
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I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Dream
Funny
Moving
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I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Anxiety
Publicity
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The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Fonts
Interviews
Sarcastic
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My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Father
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My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Girl
New Year
Resolution
Years
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You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Sneakers
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I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Dream
Funny
Country
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You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Focus
Groups
Writing
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My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Smell
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Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Thinking
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When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Fun
Play
Roles
Organically
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I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Intervention
Laughing
Thinking
Track
Laugh
Laugh Track
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I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Wigs
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I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Thinking
Tools
Trying
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At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Thinking
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When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Looks
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I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Girl
Humor
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I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Children
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I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Death
Grandmother
Suicide
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Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Hate
Interviews
Privacy
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I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'
Zach Galifianakis / Stand-Up Comedian
Funny
Humor
Wonder
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