Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.
It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.
I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.
I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.
I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.
As you get older, you see the world at a different angle, maybe more cynically, but I just bury my anger.
The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.
I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15.
I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.
People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.
I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.
I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.
I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.
I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.
I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'
There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.
There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.
I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing.
It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.
A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.
I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.
My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.